How to Foster Independent Play
Fostering independent and unstructured play benefits both child and caregiver. It allows caregivers space to explore their own interests and to do the work they need to without relying on screen time, a new toy, or other measures to entertain their child. Allowing children ample opportunity to play independently can also improve their sleep!
In this article, I’ll delve into the whats, whys and hows of independent play, show how it can support children to sleep better, and give some practical tips on how to foster independent play in your home.
What is independent play?
Independent play is interactions and activities that connect and deepen children’s relationship with themselves, their bodies, and the world around them with minimal guidance and interaction from an adult caregiver. It is initiated out of children’s natural curiosity and drive to understand themselves and the world around them. Children choose objects and activities that help them on their journey of self discovery.
The goal of independent play is not for children to become independent, but to learn about themselves and to be in relationship with the world.
The objects a child chooses to play with and the way children explore movements and their bodies is highly individualized. When we look at these choices the child is making as an expression of who they are and their unique needs, desires, and interests, it becomes a joy to watch the child’s unfolding process of self-discovery.
What does independent play look like?
Independent play can occur when an adult caregiver is absent from a room or working in a different space. It can also occur with an adult seated very near to the child and observing the child without interfering unless needed (ex. The child will get hurt, the child is stuck or in need of additional support) A child can also be playing independently while supporting a caregiver with a task the caregiver is doing such as folding laundry, cooking, or raking leaves as long as the child is doing this out of their own interest and motivation.
In infants, it may look like playing with one’s hands or feet, watching a shadow on a wall, exploring an object in their mouth, or grasping a toy.
In toddlers, it may look like pushing heavy objects around, climbing, jumping, banging something together, building, balancing etc.
In children, it may look like imaginative play, working on projects, collaborative play with other children. making art, running, climbing, balancing etc.
The most important aspect of independent play is that it is done with minimal adult guidance or input. The child is allowed the freedom to make mistakes, experiment, and explore without intervention.
How does independent play support sleep?
Developmental Milestones
Developmental milestones such as walking, crawling, pulling to standing, learning to sit up can affect sleep. Children can be so interested in practicing these skills that they become less interested in sleep. They can also get stuck sitting and standing when put down for a rest which makes it difficult to fall asleep. By allowing the child to play independently, the child can practice these skills so that they will be less likely to negatively affect sleep. For infants, place your child on the ground without anything constraining or constricting the child. Allow the child to move freely and explore her body without interfering in their process unless the child is truly stuck and needing assistance.
Place objects near the child that the child can pull up on, cruise on, or push against.
Let your child experience some frustration. If your child gets stuck, don’t immediately help. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “Does my child truly need my help, or is this a learning opportunity?” Let your child experience being a little stuck, and let her work on trying to figure out how to get out of the situation. Just like we would for an older child feeling a little frustrated with a math problem, allowing children to go through the discomfort of doing something challenging, this gives them space to problem solve and learn. Once it is clear that the child is truly stuck, gently support the child with as little interference as possible.
Moments of Deep Connection
In balance with independent play, it is important to provide moments of deep connection through caregiving. The moments that we connect such as: diaper changes, mealtime, bedtime routine, bathtime etc. are opportunities to give our full, undivided attention to our child.
We can also have these moments of connection through a song, playing together, fingerplays, games, reading together, or sharing a laugh.
These moments of connectedness “fill up” the child with our love and attention.
By balancing these moments of deep connectedness with independent play, we set up a flow where the child is filled up by our love and attention and feels safe and open to exploring the world around them. They also feel safe to sleep independently!
When it comes to sleeping independently, having a moment of deep connection before placing the child down for rest helps the child to feel filled up and ready to transition to sleep.
The adult caregiver is better able to give their full undivided attention after a child plays independently, because they get a break to focus on their own work or thoughts.
Children will be better able to sleep independently if they are confident to explore the world around them through independent play with the caregivers’ loving attention as their foundation.
Observation of Sleepy Cues
When a caregiver is present with a child playing independently, it is easier to notice subtle sleepy cues that mean it is time to start the soothing routine.
Once a child becomes overtired, hormones are released to the brain to keep the child awake which makes it more difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. It is important to catch those cues!
Children who are in touch with their bodies through independent play will be more connected with their own sleepy cues as they get older, especially if we are supporting them to sleep before they become overtired. They will be better able to determine that they are tired and need to go to bed. This is a skill.
Quiet Time
After your child stops taking naps (typically between the ages of 3-6 years old), fostering independent play can support your child to still have a quiet time in the middle of the day in lieu of a nap. This gives both you and your child a break. Check out my upcoming blog for some strategies to support children through the no nap transition and create a quiet time as part of your routine.
How can I foster Independent play?
Routine
Have a clear routine so your child will know and expect when to play independently.
Create a balanced flow between activities together with deep connectedness and independent play.
Set up Yes Space
Set up spaces in your home that are safe for a child to play in on their own.
Clean around the child
If a child is having trouble transitioning to independent play, try cleaning near the child. Tidy the toys, wash the floor, fold laundry--often the child will become engaged in the cleaning or a play independently while you clean. After a while you can move on to other tasks and the child will continue to clean or play.
Cleaning around your child can also help a child who is struggling to play harmoniously come “back to form”. Children’s environment affects how they feel. Putting the environment in order can support children to feel more orderly inwardly and play harmoniously.
Lighting the spark
A child may have a hard time transitioning to independent play during transition times such as coming home from school or daycare or going from outdoor play to indoor play. Instead of jumping right into your next task, for example, preparing snacks, give your child 5-10 minutes of your full, undivided attention. Take a moment to sit with your child and begin to play or set up an activity. Once a child becomes engaged, move onto the task you need to get done and your child will be more likely to continue to play independently.
Be engaged in something
While sitting with your child while she is playing, engage yourself in another activity such as cleaning, knitting, folding laundry, mending something broken etc. When a child sees you focused on your work, they will be inspired to do their own work/play. Children learn out of imitation.
Invite them to help
If your child shows interest in what you are doing, invite them to help. This may make your task take longer, but you are helping your child to feel involved and a part of the family. Even the youngest child can contribute in small ways.
Simplify
Having lots of options of toys can overwhelm a child and creates less space for the child to play. With fewer options available, the child will be more likely to play more deeply and appreciate the things the child has. It is also easier to clean and keep the space feeling open and spacious for creative play.
Rotate out the toys. Keep most of your child’s toys stored away. Notice what interests your child, and put away toys that your child no longer plays with. By alternating the toys, an old toy will suddenly feel new again!
Get Outside
Children play independently more readily in natural environments. There is so much to explore and discover!
Be mindful
Notice the difference between your child’s needs and your projections of what you think their needs are.
My child often gets upset when I am not entertaining them. How can I support them to play independently?
Is your tired child tired or unwell in some way?
Children struggle to play independently when they feel tired or unwell. They may appear lethargic or hyperactive when tired. Children can have chronic sleep debt, that is getting insufficient sleep or experiencing sleeplessness over an extended period of time.
Independent play requires concentrated focus and attention. In the same way we struggle to work when we are tired or unwell, children struggle to play independently.
Provide an early bedtime to help your child to be better rested or to recover from lingering illness.
Is your child filled up with your love and attention?
Children know when we are giving them our full, undivided attention. If your child seems clingy, demanding, and whiny, ask yourself when was the last time I gave my child my full attention? It doesn’t have to be a long stretch of time, but a child craves and needs these special moments in order to play independently with confidence and ease. Often when our children exhibit “attention seeking behaviors” they are looking for just that - our love and attention.
Turn off your phone and remove any other distractions and be fully present with your child, then allow your child space to play independently.
Is independent play built into your routine?
Children can expect and look forward to independent play when it is built into their routine. Make sure your routine flows between moments of connection and togetherness and independent play.
When trying to build independent play into your routine, start small. You can start with just a few minutes at a time.
Have you created a boundary around your needs?
Children can feel when they are frustrating their caregivers with demanding behavior. They don’t want to frustrate them. Giving children a boundary around their caregivers' needs helps them to stop frustrating them. If you need to go to the bathroom, eat something, have a brief, important phone call, or take a moment to just breathe by yourself, it is okay to ask your child for that. They may have big feelings about it, but it is okay to have big feelings. It is good for them to express their emotions. It doesn’t mean you can’t get your own needs met.
Tell your child what to expect. “I need to go get something, and I will be right back.” Let your child experience the big emotion if they need it. “I hear you want me to continue playing blocks with you. I will come back over when I get what I need to see what you have built.” Make sure to follow through on what you say you will do. The child may continue to be upset, but, with practice, the children learn that you will always come back. They don’t like being in control of us. They want their caregivers to have their own needs met so that they can care for them in a joyful way.
