Saying What We Mean About Sleep

We all can read other people’s emotions to a certain extent through their body language. Children are especially intuitive. They feel the emotion under our words more acutely than adults, especially their parents’ emotions. In essence, they live in our emotional landscape. Does this mean we always need to be happy? No. Does this have implications for sleep? Yes. 

It can be frustrating to enforce boundaries around sleep or hear our children be upset during sleep training. As children will follow our lead on how they feel about sleep, it is important to guide them with our own positive attitude and grounded approach. This is not always easy, especially when we are tired, frustrated, or unsure ourselves. 

Here are a few tips to help us be clear about our expectations when it comes to sleep. 

Make a plan before bedtime. Go through what your bedtime, night waking, or nap will look like in your head before you start your bedtime routine. Imagine what you will do if it does not go to plan. Envisioning yourself doing something in advance helps you to know what to do in the moment and prepare different outcomes.

Have a family meeting. For older children, talk to your child about any changes that will affect sleep or a new sleep rule. Tell them what will happen if they are upset or challenge the rule.

Anticipate your child’s needs. Go through a list of all things your child needs to show that he or she is ready for bed. For infants, you could say or think, “You are fed, you are changed, and now it is time for rest.”  For older children, you could say, “Now that you have gone to the bathroom, are tucked in with a water cup next to you, and had a hug and two kisses, it is time to sleep.” This is a reminder for us as parents too! 

Take a moment. If you get upset or frustrated, take a moment and a few deep breaths so that you can enforce the boundary calmly and firmly. Make an invisible barrier between you and the situation. If we are calm, children will follow suit. 

Present rest positively. Present rest as something that is good for our bodies and enjoyable. 

Find your inner resilience. When it comes to boundaries, have warm, but firm convictions. Children will sense your inner conviction and follow your lead. 

Have a mantra. Mantras are helpful in challenging moments. Choose a mantra ahead of time to say to your child such as, “It is time to rest.”

I also have some inner mantras that I use. Some examples are:

“No matter what you do, I am in charge, and this is the rule.”

“My strength is for you.” 

“You have everything you need.” 

Or a silly one I got from an Avengers movie, “I am inevitable.” 

It can also be helpful to think of the special moments of care you have given your child throughout the day or go through a list in your head of all the needs that you have met for your child. For example you could think, “She is fed, changed, cuddled, sung to, bathed etc. It’s time for her to sleep.”

Fake it until you make it. Even though children may be able to sense that we are unsure, we sometimes need to fake it until we make it. In the same way pretending to smile can actually make us feel happier, demonstrating conviction that we may not have yet, helps us to find it in ourselves. Parenting is a 24/7 job that no one does perfectly. We have to show up for our children even when we don’t feel like it. If all else fails, fake it until you feel it.  

Trust the process. If you have made a plan about sleep, trust that it will work. It is not always easy and it may not feel good, but if we are consistent 100% of the time, it will work! Creating warm but firm boundaries around sleep is worth it!

Margit Foster 

December 2020